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Post by Amtram on Feb 11, 2014 20:23:47 GMT -5
Interesting article from the American Psychological Association entitled Pay Attention to Me. It starts, Interesting to note, the American Psychological Association recognizes ADHD as a neurobiological disorder. I thought this was interesting because they have no part in prescribing medications, but encourage people with ADHD to treat it with medications and therapy simultaneously. This has been the finding of many studies from different areas. One of the things the article doesn't go into depth with is intimacy, but I found this article by Gina Pera to have some excellent points about that aspect of marriage. It's not easy for our partners, but the more we understand about ourselves, the more we can help them deal with us!
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Post by patentpope on Feb 11, 2014 21:12:26 GMT -5
I'm fortunate in that my wife is wonderful and accepts my ADHD as if it were any other impairment. She's often said that we'd have to deal with difficult issues if I were hit by a bus. In this case, I've just been hit by a mental bus.
Before we were married, I was terrible with bills and such (that was before my diagnosis). After we got married, my wife quickly took over all the bills because that way they'd get paid. It annoyed her a bit to have to do that, and my diagnosis actually helped her come to grips with the fact that some tasks are just really, really hard for me.
Now, we keep a calendar on our cell phones and on the refrigerator. I'm not perfect about checking on them, but it helps. And now my wife isn't afraid to text me reminders. For years, she didn't want to 'nag' me with frequent reminders about what I needed to do. I've finally managed to convince her that I don't find constant reminders to be nagging, but rather find it extremely helpful.
It's a lot of work at times. But I agree with what you said - the more we understand, the better we can help our spouses deal with things.
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Post by tigger on Feb 12, 2014 0:36:15 GMT -5
It is not out of line to suggest that Gina Pera is a leading authority on the impact of ADHD on marriage and relationships. Her book, "Is It You, Me, Or Adult ADD" was the first to explore ADHD and marriage from the viewpoint of the non ADHDer in the relationship. Gina is the non ADHDer in her own marriage and knows from whence she speaks. But she took it further- she found a way to reach into the community to truly understand the challenges inherent in a marriage between an ADHDer and a non ADHDer.
In my own marriage, my non ADHDer husband died from cancer in 2010. In the last year of his life, he tried as hard as he could to teach me how to manage and function without him. To this day, bills get paid, largely because of what he taught me.
Do I screw up? Yep. But I have learned to find external others to help. This year will be four years since I lost him. The house gets paid and the insurance gets paid and I have paid off the truck. Do I miss him? Only every minute of my life.
It was very hard for my husband to learn how ADHD affected me. To say that there was some friction would be be an understatement so vast as to be an outright lie. To his credit, he just kept trying to understand.
The title of the article quoted raised my hackles. I never wanted my husband to "pay attention to me" because of my multiple failings. I wanted him to see that there was a person INSIDE those failings who hated the impact of those failings as much as he did.
Paying attention to HIM was never a problem for me. He was my world.
Ima start a separate thread on grief.
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Post by Amtram on Feb 12, 2014 8:47:04 GMT -5
My hubby has to put up with a lot of stuff from me, but he's always taken it like a trouper. I wasn't too keen on the title, either, but I liked the fact that the article was positive and encouraged both partners to get information and help - and didn't discourage medications. n.b., since so much anti-med talk comes from Psychologists and other therapists, I was very happy to see that's not the official position of the professional organization.
And I'm working my way through some of Gina's blog bit by bit. Comments, too, since there's often some precious nuggets of wisdom scattered in those.
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Post by tigger on Feb 13, 2014 0:37:06 GMT -5
In a relationship often the challenge can be from the non ADHDer demanding that the ADHDer take meds. That was the case for me. Hubby thought that the medication would "fix" the challenges and was honestly confused as to why I would refuse it. I explained the challenges with medication and he still didn't really understand- in his world, you took the meds and the meds fixed the problem.
After I started taking medication, he got a front row seat to what I had tried to explain to him. From that point on, he relied on my understanding of meds (based on a blend of research and personal knowledge) rather than consider pharmacology to be the "perfect answer".
When his cancer was diagnosed, he was able to lean on that learning as he was being prescribed multiple medications with very little patient education about those medications.
To me, the decision to take medication or not is intensely personal. Information is the best tool and ADHDer and the non ADHDer partner can have.
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Post by chikkaccino on May 6, 2014 11:23:38 GMT -5
I'm only in the beginning stages with my husband and ADHD. After one kid got diagnosed, I got diagnosed, and I got some help. However, I'm certain he has it too. Months ago I used to joke about how he needed to staple his wallet to his pants because he's always losing it. Sometimes even leaving it at the store he just went to. Once he left a bag of groceries there after making a purchase. More than a few times he's said, "What did you say? I wasn't paying attention." Or he's forgotten a conversation we've had all together. He's been upset with me more than a few times for not listening "because I don't care" which isn't the case. And the never-ending piles of papers and bills he needs to go through and hasn't yet. I'm better about my purse and keys because I've made a habit of keeping them in the same place all of the time so I'll find them.
My psychiatrist and I agreed to run an experiment. This next month I'm not telling him what I have. I'm not telling him what I'm taking. Just to see if he notices a difference.
However, the first day of the medication, I cleaned up my entire living room after putting it off for a few weeks. I didn't say anything about it because I'm "always fishing for compliments" -- he never said a word. Didn't even notice until I pointed it out the next day.
He hyper focuses while on the computer doing research or programming. The kids make a lot of noise or start pestering him, and he explodes by yelling. Problem is, I was the same way too though I tried to contain it so I didn't do it AS much, but now I'm less bugged by it being on the medication and I intervene.
The heartbreaking part are the kids, especially the classical autism son, who is extremely sensitive to mood changes and being yelled at. He prefers mommy. Even if my husband makes an attempt to play with him and spend time with him, if he needs help in the bathroom, he asks my husband to go away because he needs mommy. Which causes my husband to become upset because he's focusing on the time he just spent with him to be treated that way, I'm certain my son remembers all the times he got yelled at by him, and it gets reinforced by him reacting in the same way he always has. More yelling and negative comments.
I'm really hoping after this month is up he notices SOMETHING has changed. Enough to notice that he might need some help himself.
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Post by Amtram on May 6, 2014 11:49:56 GMT -5
Good luck. We can't change other people, but we can change ourselves - and we can change how we react to other people (which might change the way they act towards us.) It's a long, difficult road, but it's worth it in the end.
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