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Post by Amtram on Apr 30, 2014 7:30:00 GMT -5
I'm managing the practical aspects OK, but I'm so stressed and sleep deprived that I'm emotionally falling apart.
Mom went into the hospital on Friday because she passed out at the oncologist's office. When she went, the nurse said that if I didn't show up to take my father home, adult protective services would take him, and my mother might not be able to get him out of wherever they placed him. So, dutiful daughter that I am, I dropped everything, threw the two clean outfits I had in my suitcase, and headed down.
Dad has dementia. Along with other things, but that's the part I have trouble dealing with.
Every day, he wakes me up at the crack of dawn wondering where Mom is. Sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night asking me where mom is. He was in the emergency room with her for 9 hours before she got a room, and we have gone to visit her every day. But he gets angry when I tell her she's in the hospital, because nobody ever told him she'd been admitted to the hospital.
He gave up his driver's license almost 10 years ago because he's legally blind on top of his neurological problems, but he tells me the story of how he can't drive and why he doesn't have a license about 4 times a day, sometimes several times in a row.
Several times a day he asks me when mom will be coming home, even though I wrote it on the calendar to remind him. He asks me how her surgery went (she's not getting surgery) why she's in the hospital (she's had her diagnosis for weeks, the only additional thing is a single, small, pulmonary embolism they're treating with medication) and whether I'm staying at the house with him. Even when he goes into the room where I'm sleeping and wakes me up, he asks if I'm staying at the house with him.
And Mom told my sister that she didn't want to give me medical power of attorney because she's certain that I'll use it to put them both in a nursing home and sell their house, and told the social worker at the hospital not to listen to me because I'm mentally unstable. (Stable enough for you to call me every time you need something - thanks, Mom.)
On top of that, I have to take one of their cats home with me because they fed her so much that her obesity caused arthritis in one leg - they can't take her to the vet, and they certainly can't give her pills. Of course, I can't give her pills, either, because Dad keeps opening the door to the bedroom so she can hide under the bed.
I texted my sister to see if she can come up for the weekend and spell me. They signed a contract with a home health care agency, but of course, didn't put me on the contract as an emergency contact, so I can't call them.
Sorry, I just had to vent. If I were getting any sleep or even allowed to take my Adderall, I might be able to handle this. Heck, if I had gotten my panic attacks under control it might be easier - but I just changed meds two weeks ago. I am not dealing with all of this terribly well, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is.
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stef2
New Member
Posts: 12
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Post by stef2 on May 1, 2014 11:31:22 GMT -5
omg...i am just so sorry to read this. my mom had a similar health issue this summer, they were doing the routine tests before treatment , well she didn't pass out but her leg was a little swollen ...so they sent her upstairs for a doppler scan. "Mrs G, we are giving you anticoagulants and you have to stay overnight!"
Can you contact these social workers anyway? how could your mom possibly say that to them !?
( looking for that" hugs" emote thing...)
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Post by Amtram on May 1, 2014 20:23:49 GMT -5
Mom will be released from the hospital tomorrow, but I was released by my sister this evening. I'm now home with my parents' cat that needs to be medicated and needs to lose 5 pounds. I will elaborate further on the trials and tribulations. OMG, I really, really am going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, so this is a better place to vent than facebook. . .
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Post by chikkaccino on May 5, 2014 22:21:14 GMT -5
Ugh, so sorry you have to deal with all of that. My grandmother has dementia, for a few years now, sometimes she doesn't even know who her daughter is. She's been hospitalized with a lung mass that's also on her heart recently, and had to go to a nursing home since no one can care for her 24/7.
How old is the cat, BTW? And do you have to force feed her the pill, or is it possible to crush & put in its food?
Sent from my Galaxy Note 3 using Tapatalk
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Post by Amtram on May 6, 2014 10:11:22 GMT -5
I used to foster cats - there isn't a cat out there I haven't been able to pill. (There may be one, but I'd prefer not to meet it!)
Mom decided to leave Dad home alone yesterday while she went out to her appointment with a friend driving her. Four hours later, I call Dad, and he's in a panic because she's not home. I call the doctor, find out she just left the office, call Dad. She's lucky he didn't decide to leave the house to go looking for her, the way he did when my sis and I were watching him. Reminded her that the home health aide can drive her and keep an eye on dad at the same time, but that's all the advice I'm going to give. She doesn't want advice for me.
Her white blood cell count is under 2. But she doesn't want to call in anyone to clean her house (so she doesn't catch anything) until she's had a chance to clean the house. Which she can't do because she's wiped out. *sigh* Not a darn thing I can do. But now my antidepressant seems to be having some effect, so it's not as bad as it was last week. So I'm at peace with just shrugging it off and letting her do what she wants to do, regardless of whether or not I think it's a wise decision.
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Post by chikkaccino on May 6, 2014 10:39:42 GMT -5
I used to foster cats - there isn't a cat out there I haven't been able to pill. (There may be one, but I'd prefer not to meet it!) Mom decided to leave Dad home alone yesterday while she went out to her appointment with a friend driving her. Four hours later, I call Dad, and he's in a panic because she's not home. I call the doctor, find out she just left the office, call Dad. She's lucky he didn't decide to leave the house to go looking for her, the way he did when my sis and I were watching him. Reminded her that the home health aide can drive her and keep an eye on dad at the same time, but that's all the advice I'm going to give. She doesn't want advice for me. Her white blood cell count is under 2. But she doesn't want to call in anyone to clean her house (so she doesn't catch anything) until she's had a chance to clean the house. Which she can't do because she's wiped out. *sigh* Not a darn thing I can do. But now my antidepressant seems to be having some effect, so it's not as bad as it was last week. So I'm at peace with just shrugging it off and letting her do what she wants to do, regardless of whether or not I think it's a wise decision. My kids know to stay away from our last remaining cat. (We had 3 when my husband and I first met, his 1, my 2.) 2 died before the kids were born (his 1 and 1 of mine), both of them being 19 at the time. The one remaining developed an eating disorder when we first moved in together. She never lost the weight she gained, she's 14 with thyroid disease, and there is no way in hell I'd be able to pill her, so it gets crushed in her food. She's usually good, but she'll swat if you walk by her too fast or bite your ankle for no apparent reason. She likes being pet, but when she gets twitchy, it's time to stop or she'll bite. It's unfortunate that you have to go through all of that. My mother, now having to deal with my grandmother and a social worker and the nursing home for her last days, has made it a point to make sure everything is signed over to me before (and if) she gets Alzheimers or dementia too because of the pain and struggle she's had to deal with. Which is a good thing because most people don't think of these things, there's a denial that it'll ever happen to us, but when it does -- if we have children, they're the ones that will suffer and struggle for our failures to provide future guidance of our wishes. Very glad that the antidepressant is working for you and that you're feeling somewhat better despite a crappy situation.
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Post by Amtram on May 6, 2014 11:45:47 GMT -5
There are options now available that would have made a significant difference in my parents' quality of life if they'd pursued them earlier. There are graduated care facilities where you can have your own living space and 24 hour access to medical care and transportation, so you can get used to the space while you're still independent. There are social opportunities as well. Instead, Mom opted to stay in their house the moment the doctor told her what he saw on the MRIs. Now it's too late to move to an unfamiliar place without Dad freaking out, and they rely on neighbors (if they're around and not taking care of their own families) for everything else, and mostly sit around the house and watch TV or do chores.
Can't go back in time. But I know what I'm going to do when it's clear that I have something that's not going to get better. . .
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Post by owling on Jun 24, 2014 9:00:12 GMT -5
My mom is having similar issues with her mom: she managed to break her leg again, again while cleaning the house (because when you're 87 and have really brittle bones, it's still very important to dust the top of the closet!). But it's uncertain whether she'll be able to walk again. If she can't take care of herself, it's gonna be hell for the whole family. Putting her in a private home is very very expensive (the monthly fee is pretty much the same as my monthly salary or my dad's pension!), most state-owned homes are practically over-crowded gulags, but they are still in extremely high demand and they don't take elderly who can't walk; the very few that do take bed-bound old people are somewhat worse than gulags and in even higher demand- the waiting list is years long! There is the possibility of home-care, but it's still expensive (only about a quarter of my monthly salary or my dad's pension)and there is still the need for someone to take care of her in the evening and at night - it can only be my parents, since mom was an only child.
My mom would take her of her and we would have enough space for her in our apartment, but she's become an extremely toxic person. She curses my mom, yells at her, whines for stupid reason, fakes sickness and expects to be cared for like she's a little baby. It may be tradition that children take care of their parents when they grow old, but that tradition began when old meant 60-70, not 80-90 and in need of diapers. She not only poops herself, but, even with the diapers, she sometimes makes a mess of her clothes and the bed- and it's not pleasant to clean up. Doctors believe she should be able to walk, but she doesn't even try and that she refuses because she likes being taken care of. It's both sad and funny that, when someone is around, she pretends not be able to move her arms and asks to be fed, but when nobody is around, she eats by herself without any issues. If someone catches her eat, she drops the plate and claims to be sick and fainting...
My mom is also pretty old (61) and has serious heart issues. She doesn't need the extra work and especially all the nagging and complaining- it's heartbreaking for her to hear all that from her mother. And she totally doesn't deserve it! Grandma helped my parents raise me, helped them financially when they were young; on the other side she always treated my mother like crap, making her feel like she's never good enough and everyone else is better. She still acts this way and it's still hurtful. I'm seriously afraid that mom is gonna be the one who's gonna go first and it's totally not fair! I feel very guilty for basically wishing for my own grandmother to die...
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Post by Amtram on Jun 24, 2014 10:43:46 GMT -5
Oh, man, that is a lot to handle. Yes, it's all prohibitively expensive, but sometimes it's worth it not to have a person around you all the time. I don't know how nurses and health aides handle it - they must be very special people! They got a home health aide to come in and help, but I haven't called them because I'm afraid to hear that Mom decided they didn't need help after all. . .
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Post by owling on Jun 25, 2014 4:16:08 GMT -5
Yup, professional caregivers are some of the resistant people on Earth imo! And totally under-appreciated. If it was just house-cleaning, cooking for elderly and convincing them to take their medication, it would be acceptable, but I'd rather go to war and shoot people than clean up the poop and spoon-feed paranoid senile old folks... I guess it's worth paying them a lot of money for that and it's probably what we'll do. I dread to think about how life is like for those that have no money.
Sometimes old people want to show off like they're still strong, independent and they still have their dignity. I can understand why it's hard to take advices from their kids; they consider themselves as wiser and more experienced and it's pretty the only advantage of old age. They are already useless at work, useless for their family, even their community, but at least they can take care of themselves and not rely on others. If your mom starts doing what you're telling her to do and seek help, she kinda loses that too. I wouldn't know what to say to convince her though that it's good to call an aid. I think someone else, preferably a person the same age or even older, might have better chances of convincing her of that.
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Post by Amtram on Aug 25, 2014 14:44:31 GMT -5
My sister and I are now concerned enough about my mom that we agreed that she shouldn't be driving. The opinion of the nurses is that my parents should actually be in assisted living of some kind, because they are doing a really bad job of taking care of themselves, too. One home health aide from one agency did something they didn't like, so now mom is opposed to *all* custodial home care. And, of course, she's also adamant about not moving into even an adult community that isn't a nursing facility. She's going to hate me if she loses her license, but if she keeps driving, she's going to cause an accident. Maybe if she can't drive, though, I can at least get her living closer to me so I can take her places. Things are going to start getting really rough.
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